Thursday, April 16, 2009

Guest Post: The Confession of Sargeras

Hey everyone, Sargeras here. Lord of the Burning Legion, Destroyer of Worlds, Chairman of the Commission on Assorted Badness and Peccadilloes. You know the drill.

Anyway, there's something I've been meaning to get off my chest for a while now, and when Dorn asked me to do a guest post on his blog, I knew it was the perfect opportunity.

You see, when Eonar and I broke up, it wasn't just because of the whole Goth-and-evil thing. It was because...

*deep breath* Come on, Sargeras. You can do this.

It was because I had...other needs. Needs she couldn't satisfy.

Don't get me wrong, Eonar was easy to talk to, scorching hot, and tons of fun in the sack. She had her issues, of course, but then I had mine too. It wasn't that. It was something...else.

My attractions lay elsewhere. Toward something I knew no woman could satisfy.

That's right - I wanted Azeroth.

The first time I saw it, it was young, naive; in those days it didn't bother with the cover of an atmosphere, and even later, the shifting clouds revealed more than they hid. Little imagination was required. The soft, supple curves of its hills...the secret moisture of its was all a rush for me; I was overwhelmed by these new sensations. I scarcely knew what I was feeling.

After all, it was "only" a planet.

At first, when Eonar noticed how much time I would spend with Azeroth - the long hours kneeling on its plains, just "touching up" the Titans' work - she would make little jokes about it. "I think you love that planet more than you love me," she would say. Or she'd cock an eyebrow and tell me she was getting jealous. And she'd laugh.

I'd laugh too, but my laughter was forced. There was too much truth in those jokes.

One day, once my real affections had become all too obvious, she finally confronted me. She yelled; she pleaded; she wept. But what could I say?

I am what I am.

I was banished, but I watched my little world from afar - though it was not so little anymore. Its smooth hills had grown into mountains, and short waving grass grew on its steppes. It was no longer a planetoid but a mature planet. I knew I had to have it. I spoke to Azshara from afar, whispering sweet promises in her ear, but of course all the time I was only thinking of my Azeroth. She opened the portal, expecting me to come. And I came - but not for her.

In a furious ecstasy, I thrust my armies into Azeroth's portal, and I'm afraid I was not gentle - I ripped its supercontinent badly. They say it never heals. I withdrew for a time, but before long I needed more.

I traveled the galaxy, looking for other planets. I found thousands. Most were unguarded; some were nervous, some eager, some already ravaged by other forces. I had my fill. Enough to know that this was what I really longed for. Enough to know that I would never be happy with anything else.

Enough to know that there would never be any other like Azeroth.

And so I waited, gathering my strength...and then I entered it again.

Azeroth knew my needs by now, and returned the favor, playing the game and drawing it out. I sent my forces in again, again, faster and stronger each time. I tried new tactical positions. The world underwent two "expansions," each more enjoyable than the last. Even now it is yielding, but not too easily - not too soon. We're getting closer, though...closer...closer...and even now we approach the climax -

I've said too much.

Judge me if you like; I can't stop you. Just...don't tell my blog readers, please.


They wouldn't understand.


  1. I won't judge you, Sargeras!

    Really, though, excellent post, and you had me chuckling the whole way through. I'm jealous of Dorn!

  2. Damn you Sargeras! Damn you to hell! You couldn't just leave Azeroth alone!?

  3. I feel dirty reading this post. But dirty in an evil way, so it's okay.

  4. @ wordywarrior: You laughed?? :-O You're sick. Sick!

    @ Aenorn: Damn me to hell? And where exactly do you think I am normally?

    @ Anonymous: Evil dirty is the best kind of dirty.

    @ Klinderas: Ah, there's that twitch response I was looking for. have moral standards! Your prize is: not being a horrible person.

  5. No wonder Azeroth is crawling with improbable life forms: All that unprotected interstellar conquest.

    You should probably get yourself tested.

  6. Wait, does that mean Eonar is available now?