I'm a lazy queen Dorn...educate me please!

Well it's that time again...there's a new major content patch on the PTRs. For those lazy bitches that don't like to read patch notes, I'll point out the homocentric changes for you:

Northrend Children's Week has arrived in Dalaran! Players can find out more by visiting the Eventide District.

• That's right! Time to stock up on candy and clean out the van...we get to corrupt the youngins again.

Chains of Ice: Now reduces movement by 95% instead of 100%.

• Only 5% less gay than the old version. Think Elton John instead of Richard Simmons.
  

Ominous Clouds in the Yogg-Saron encounter are now more vocal about touching players.


Look for another edition of Dorn's Big Gay Mailbox sometime mid week. There's still time to submit your questions! Ask anything and everything...send to Dornilust@gmail.com

Be there or be...straight.

I'm not usually a "pride parade" kind of homo...but this sounds like a lot of fun! I'm gonna roll an alt horde side on Proudmoore and join in the festivities. Who else is gonna join me?

From Bigheadben on the gaygamer.net forums:

If you make an alt on Proudmoore to participate on the morning of Saturday June 20th, look for KRIMON on hordeside for an invite to our guest guild (Tainter for Today) . Hope to see tons of guests and happy pride month to all!

Whatever you do, don't look him in the eyes!

Like a lot of raiding guilds recently, we've filled in our raid roster with 4 or 5 new recruits. New guildies are excellent cannon fodder to try out your new material on. Nothing is quite as satisfying as verbally shitting all over them the first time they make a "That was so gay!" slip in guild chat. It's become sort of a rite of passage in my guild...Dorn makes you as uncomfortable as possible for a little bit, then you move on with life.

Yes, it was quite the good time. I say was because the officers have taken it upon themselves to "warn" people about me during their interview. Like I'm the fucking creepy uncle that mommy won't leave you alone with after 3 wine spritzers at Christmas. Like I'm going to reach through the internets and play with their joystick against their will. Like they better keep thinking of vag while around me or my aura will turn them fag. Like you better not be in a vent channel alone with me cause chances are I'm playing with myself while you talk about the loot on your wish list.

Ok...so maybe that last one has some truth in it. Nevertheless, I kind of wish I didn't come attached with a warning. I guess it just means I'm going to have to work harder to attain shock value. Any suggestions?

Government 1, Dorn 0

I started a new job yesterday. I'm horribly under qualified and ridiculously over payed. You guessed it, I took a job with the state. New jobs are fun because I get to play another round of my two favorite games: "Find the homos" and "Find the WoW players"

The first one is pretty easy. Look for a dude working at a secretarial or assistant level. Failing that find anything with a penis that's working in HR.

Finding the WoW players is usually pretty easy too...one trip to IT tends to sort that out rather quick. I had to make that trip today to get some network crap figured out. As I was about to open the door I made a silent bet with myself that I would interrupt 2 rather scruffy looking nerd types talking about how Mimi was getting the nerf bat rammed up his ass sideways in the next patch. I couldn't have been more wrong.

There wasn't a guy in site. There was nothing but attractive clueless women. Not only did these girls not play Warcraft, but I'm fairly convinced they couldn't spell computer let alone provide me with proper passwords to access mine. Needless to say I didn't get the level of service I was expecting. Welcome to government work I guess.

Worst facial ever.

Never, ever, take skin care tips from the Forsaken...

...or spend too much time in a Yogg-Saron cloud of doom.

I'm a dragon...get in the van.

I've always known that straight guys are weird. I mean...they like vagina for fuck's sake. But never in a million years have I met a gay guy that is as fucked up as one of my guildie's ex boyfriends. We call her the Dragon Lady. The following was posted on our guild forums and is re-posted here with her permission. It's longish...but totally worth it!!!

You've no doubt heard a joke or two at my expense about me being a dragon or breathing fire on someone. This all comes from a really out-there ex story that is probably going to be one of the more ridiculous things you're likely to read today.


3 years ago. I meet a guy. His name was Max. He seems fairly normal. Has an alright apartment downtown, takes me cool places, and we have a lot of laughs. A few months down the line, I move in. Still seems like your average every day guy. However this drastically changes one say when I come home from work. He's got a serious look on his face. Max says, "There's something you really should know." I'm thinking outstanding loans, maybe criminal record from teenage antics.
He continues, "I was a dragon in a previous life, thousands of years ago. You were my twin and we were the heirs to the Emerald Dragon kingdom. After a long war with the humans, one of our younger brothers betrayed us and our powers were locked away in a secret hidden fortress. But we never lost our immortality- we've been reincarnating for all this time- but we've never been able to find you. It's you we've all been waiting for- you are the only one with the ability to find the fortress, and let us return to our true dragon forms!"


I stand there. It's dawning on me that he is serious. I have no idea what to say to the guy who, 5 minutes ago, seemed like one of the more sane and rational people I had met. But he isn't done.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I read minds, and I see the future. I could tell you wouldn't be ready for this until now. It's the only remnants of my power. I can see that soon you will reclaim some of your own power, and you will pyrokinetic!" (so apparantly I'm a dragon princess with the power of Pyro from X-men...)


"For thousands of years, I've been looking for you. I spent many lives as wandering samurai, looking for clues as to where you'd been reborn! I never did find anything about you- but I found a clue that the lost fortress is somewhere in Europe or Asia. I'd never be able to find it on my own- but you are the key! You have the map, buried deep in your reincarnate memory! We need to start saving money to cross the ocean, and reclaim our destiny!"
I was now trying to figure out who I might be able to stay with or if I could afford to kick him out, and if there was an "insane partner get-me-outta-here" clause in shared 2-year contract bills.


I would have to keep him there until the end of the month, when I could kick him out in favour of a friend who wanted away from lazy roommates. (I sympathized. After the initial good times, this ex was routinely short on rent and only helped with chores after a lot of yelling.)
A couple weeks later, the ex surprised me dropped by my college to see me. (For a mind reader, he was surprisingly slow to pick up on my plans to get rid of him) I was hanging out with a guy friend I had made in college, who was always a good laugh, and his being really cute didn't hurt. Max, my soon-to-be ex shook the guy's hand, and then brought me home. On the way he told me he'd had a premonition that this guy was going to become one of his closest friends. This guy was Ryan, who had already taken me to a couple movies, and hit on me on a regular basis. (Ryan is Windrage/Blood/Strigany, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years)


So, finally, the end of the month comes, so my friend (who is 6 feet tall, and can be very intimidating despite being a flaming homo) is there with me when I ask Max "So you're packed, right?"
He looks as confused as I expected.
I ask, "You see the future as clearly as ever, right?"
He says, "Of course."
I tell him "Great, then you must have known I'm kicking you out tonight. Get your bags."


I told this story on vent months ago, and thus the dragon jokes began.

Faggoty traits per second.

Time to reach into Dorn's Big Gay Mailbox and see what we come up with.

Hey Loverboy,
I want you to take off all of your clothes. Next, cover every square inch of your body with baby oil. Now slowly caress your chest and work your way down to your huge, hard, throbbing co...

Err...whoops...that one wasn't meant for y'all.

*reaches back into Big Gay Mailbox*

Dear Dorn,
I've been in my guild for almost a year now and still haven't found the courage to come out of the closet. I really want to be as open and flamboyant in guild chat as you are but am afraid of people not reacting well to it. It's not that I'm afraid of getting a beat down or anything (although that would be bad, lol) I just really like my guild and I don't want them to think different of me. I'm not really sure what to do. I guess my question is do you have any tips or suggestions to ease into the coming out process?

Keep up the good work!
Closet Fag

Well CF, in short my suggestion is to treat it like sex...don't ease in. Just ram your "homosexuality" down their throats and pray for the best. You will get an excellent reading on who your friends really are and who the haters are that you need to watch out for. As for the "beat down" component, I'm going to let you in on a little secret of mine. You need to get yourself HomOmen, the threat of hate crime meter:

This fabulous addon turns on automatically and begins tracking threat when you enter the aggro radius of any hater. It monitors all chat screens you have access to and you can download separate modules to enable tracking of vent and guild forums as well. As you can see I constantly run just under the threshold (hate crime pull is at 110% if hater lives in your state) and this baby has saved me from many a "I fell down the stairs" trip to the emergency room.

Hang in there CF and stay strong...I believe in you. If things don't work out in your guild stop on over and apply to ours! We're always looking for more fun people :)

That's all for today...keep it frosty kids...and remember to send your questions to me at Dornilust@gmail.com

DKs R OP + G.A.Y.

I have things pretty good in my guild. I can honestly say that I have never felt that the words "gay" or "homo" or "fag" have been used to define me in a negative connotation. Sure they might break out one of these choice phrases from time to time...but only after I insulted their race, religion, ethos, love of vagina, or pubic hair color first. And even then it's all been in good fun. The street goes both ways so I try not to use these words to describe something I dislike or find awful, which is why I don't like to be on vent when I PvP. There is nothing gayer in the entire goddamn universe than Death Knights and I get pretty vocal about it. Some of their moves are just ridiculous...ridiculously GAY!

Fag Grip: Harness the homosexual energy that surrounds and binds all matter, drawing the target toward the fag knight and forcing the enemy to STAND THERE AND GET WTFBBQ COCK IN THE FACE.


Chains of Gay: Shackles the target with gay chains, reducing their movement rate to zero. The target regains 10% of their anal virginity each second for 10 sec.


I could continue to rail against these blatant homosexuals and smack talk moves such as Fagulate, Death and Queercay, Icebound Fagitute, or Howling Homo...but I don't want to give them more of the time out of my day than I already have.

Queer eye for the WoW guy -- Interior Design

Is your apartment looking a little bleh? Need to gay it up a notch? Here are some helpful tips taken from our favorite gay city in the clouds.

Get a fuck couch. Not only is it stylish and blatantly homosexual, the chaise lounge is a wondrous piece of furniture that gives back support for almost every gay sex position.

Before using the chaise lounge for "gross out the downstairs neighbors" time, slip into something a little more comfortable behind your....BRAND NEW DRESSING SCREEN!! *audience gasps and claps* For maximum effect make sure to drape whatever you just took off over the top of the screen. (Gaydar note: one of these in a "straight" guy's place is a dead giveaway)

If fucking in the living room isn't your cup of tea, your obvious choice is in the car bedroom. Tasteful additions to this room are cute little throw pillows and phallic bed posts.

Invest in a display case for your dildo collection. In addition to letting your partner make the perfect informed decision, it shows the world (or at least those that come to your bedroom...ok so I was right the first time) that you're not ashamed of what you're willing to put up their ass.

If you have a four poster bed, get yourself a sparkly fabric as decoration. It doesn't get much fucking gayer than sparkles.

If all else fails...a floating gay pride symbol right in your foyer should get the job done.

Homo to the rescue.

How could I say no?

Some people are weird.

Hey folks, this post is not directed at an overwhelming majority of you. Of the thousands of visitors I've gotten on this blog this post is meant for 14 of you (although I suppose it's possible the culprit is just 1 person) What's got my panties in a bunch? Take a look at the search phrases people are using to get to my site.

What the fuck. Srsly? What the fuck. I just...yeah idk.

vagina flag: Vagina's don't have flags...at least I don't think they do. Even if they did, you sure as shit wouldn't find it on my site.

things that look like vagina: Fair enough I guess. Kinda walked into that one.

hidden objects in vaginas: Sounds like a fun game...NOT!

vagina close up spread: For a gay man's blog I'm getting way too much vag traffic.

assorted horse perversions: I didn't even mention the word horse. I'm sorry those searches brought you here. Y'all definitely didn't find what you were looking for.

wow blogs lesbian: They don't exist...I've tried looking already.

get a good reach around: Let me know when ya find one please.

vagina during labour real photo: No thank you.

guy sticks head in vagina: An interesting idea. This may grant a better understanding of the beast.

warcraft payers going to hell: Haha...you found me :) Welcome!

5 thoughts for the price of 1

Here's some random information that I wanted to get out there shotgun style:

1) I'd like to do a recurring "Ask a Homo!" style post where I answer questions from you the readers. For this to happen though I need...well...questions from you the readers. So hit me up! Dornilust@gmail.com gets them to me...or Dorn@vtext.com gets them to my cell. Just please don't expect me to be funnier than Mario Cantone when he did a similar thing for Chappelle Show.

2) I started this blog with 2 goals in mind. The first was to help quit smoking. The idea was that instead of lighting up when I got the urge I would do something blog related. This proved much more helpful than my first plan (after about the 6th craving I thought my dick was gonna fall off) and has worked very well so far. I've been smoke free since April 1! My second goal for the blog was to meet more gay WoW players. So far so good! I've made the acquaintance of several so far and actually had some hot cyborz with one of them. (thanx Kerp...it was fun)

Although both those reasons for blogging are ongoing motivations, I'd like to add a 3rd purpose. I want to turn this blog into a community effort. Fagcraft deserves an arsenal of queens to blog on all aspects of the lives of homosexual gamers. Maybe you already blog but want to keep yours "spreadsheet theory crafting" based. Maybe you're in the closet and want to blog anonymously about the hate you run across. Whatever floats your boat...come let your freak flag fly. If you can make it funny, gay, and gaming related then I got an author spot for you no matter your gender or orientation. If you think you'd like to join the team shoot me some mail!

3) The Blizzard in game gaydar seems to be malfunctioning. It's labelling me as a drag queen.

4) I spent some time today mapping out tagging options so my posts would be easier to sort through. When I finished however, every post was labeled "gay." This apparently defeats the purpose...so I'm gonna have to come up with a better plan.

5) While I was not thrilled Allison didn't make the top 3 last night, hottie Kris did!!!!

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Even though I'm not Mexican, I fully endorse any holiday that celebrates a victory over the French...actually I'm kinda surprised there aren't more of them. Unfortunately I don't live near a beach, so I'll have to celebrate at my favorite Mexican restaurant instead.

Daddy Dornbucks

I was hanging out in Orgrimmar the other day when I heard the unmistakable sound of show tunes coming from the Valley of Honor. Never one to miss a good musical, I wandered over to see what was up. How surprised do you think I was when I saw a little kid belting out "It's a Hard Knock Life" for all he was worth? I had to get this kid out of here and take him on an educational tour of the real world to prepare him for what will surely amount to a fabulous career. In short, I had to gay it forward.

I think the orphanage matron got the wrong idea, but 50 gold shut her up and she looked the other way. Little Orphan Faggie and I were off. I figured the best thing for this kid would be for him to just tag around with me on my daily routine. First we went to blow Hodir's horn.


Not bad for a first timer. My only other criticism would be that he used his hand too much while blowing...but these are things you learn over time. Next we went to catch up on the guild gossip with the girls.

Here we learned a valuable lesson: How your gear looks is much more important than what it does for your stats. If he learns nothing else from me, I hope he remembers this.

One of my guildies sent me a hot tip (no pun intended) on another "dick hidden in the landscape of Azeroth" so we went to go check it out.

Yup. He was right. That's not even remotely hidden. It's just...a giant dick.

This is usually the point in the day when I get shit faced and ride around on my motorcycle until I crash into something. While this isn't something I'm proud of nor is it a good example in front of the youngin, I don't want to sugar coat things for him.



Not to fear however...there's still a good lesson to be learned from this experience.

Stop objectifying me...but not really.

Yesterday, WoWInsider's "The Daily Quest" (when they gonna link me? QQ) had a link up to an article in response to the "These bunny ears are objectifying me blah blah fucking blah," argument currently circulating the WoW blogosphere. I got a few emails from y'all wanting me to hop on over to the site and wander into the fray of comments. I guess the thought is that I would have something to say on this issue. Hate to disappoint...ya thought wrong. I couldn't fucking care less. Srsly, I have enough to worry about in the "is this fair/right/ok" area of real life to really give a shit about whether people are getting offended in virtual worlds. If you don't like it, log the fuck off.

The real reason I didn't get into it however is that really I'm just here for the dick jokes...and an occasional vagina reference. Some people take this internet thing way too seriously...shoot me if I become one of them.

Where my Queens at?

Check it out...the guild is recruiting! This is where I should be telling you about our progression (8/14 heroic Ulduar) or our raid times (6-10 CST: M, W, Th) or the specifics (Horde - Scarlet Crusade - US) but I'm not going to bore y'all with any of that. What I'm really looking for is more homos to raid with. It does get a little tiresome bringing enough fabulous to each and every raid to fill the quota.

So if you don't suck (in game that is) and you're one of the classes/specs below and you want "out" of your homophobic guild of crap...give us a look!

Here's what we're looking for:

1 Druid (Boomkin)

1 Druid (Feral Tank)

1 Druid (Resto)

1 Paladin (Holy)

1 Priest (Shadow)

So if you're one of the above, or aren't but would consider yourself an exceptional applicant, pop over to our recruitment forums and drop an app!

I did! I did see a puddy tat!

Before y'all start judging me, understand a few things. First: I've never actually seen one of these things up close. I know I talk a big talk, but when it comes to the big "V" I'm horribly ignorant. Sure it's fun to joke about it looking like lunch meat but at the end of the day I really have no clue. Second: Bitch had it coming. Don't ever think you can send your cats after me without getting your ass killed and your junk inspected. Third: It's come to my attention that the vast majority of dudes like this kind of thing. I guess I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I mean...wars have been fought over women's (insert favorite vagina euphemism here). Things were not too clear from this angle so I had to move in for a better look:

Got to admit, I had this weird feeling that a train was gonna come barreling out towards me...or something to that effect. Really though I don't see what all the fuss is over. It looks like...well it kinda looks like I thought it did all along.

Homo say what?

Basically if English and a retarded monkey had a baby, you'd get the form of netspeak that is used in most online games. If you're new to these environments, you probably have no clue what is being discussed in any of the chat channels you have access to. There are game specific acronyms flying left and right and memes upon memes upon memes. After a few months however you develop a reasonable understanding of wtf is being said. The mistake most people make at this point is to disregard context and blindly translate everything said in game to be actually game related. You need to pay special attention to what the homos in your guild are saying. There's a language in a language in a language at work there. In an effort to open your eyes a little I will take some time out of my busy schedule to share some entries taken from my WoW Gay -> English dictionary.

Homo Says: "brb...i'm gonna hop on my twink"
Really Means: "I'm going to go fuck a 18-22 year old skinny boy"

Homo Says: "the arenas last night were awful...nothing but bears"
Really Means: "I didn't have a good time at the gay bar last night. There was nothing but old, fat, hairy guys."

Homo Says: "feel free to BoP me if it looks like I need it"
Really Means: "If I'm on my stomach with my pants around my ankles, go to town."

Homo Says: "fuck...I can't right now...it's on cool down"
Really Means: "I just came, give me a little bit."

Homo Says: "go ahead and pull, i'm rdy"
Really Means: "It ain't gonna get much harder than this, get on with that hand job!"

Homo Says: "I got new leather pants last night...they're awesome!"
Really Means: "I got new leather pants last night...they're awesome!" (irl)

Homo Says: "yeah i got LoS on ya...you're good"
Really Means: "Nice ass."

Homo Says: "wtb illusion dust"
Really Means: "I want to buy some coke."

Homo Says: "wtb infinite dust"
Really Means: "I want to buy a lot of coke."

Now, listen up str8 people. Seeing as y'all are now aware of this, I urge you to use caution when typing. You might get us all excited for no good reason. A couple months ago I saw someone in trade chat "Looking to Form a Group" using the following: LtFAG

Lieutenant Fag indeed.

Faggle

Apparently one of the WoW Bloggers 10 Commandments is "Thou must review addons and posteth your thoughts." It's the one right after "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's readers." I live in enough sin as it is, so I need to stick to the rules when I can. So without further ado I present the first Fagcraft addon review!

Today we're going to look at Peggle, the new mini game addon. This baby is handy for long winded boss explanations, premature raid deaths, extended flight paths, and really any vent conversation that's boring as fuck. Lets take a look at how it works.

Step 1: Select a character.

Your choices are either Bjorn the dick sucking Norwegian unicorn, or Splork the creepy ass green thing. Clearly we pick Bjorn... and not just because unicorns are awesome. His special ability (super guide) is very helpful when trying to cram your junk in a tight place.

Step 2: Select a map.

The object of the game is basically to unload your balls at the pegs until they are all gone. When you're about to shoot it's imperative you know what you're aiming at. Right at the moment of release make sure your cannon is pointed at the intended target...then sit back and watch your balls spray all over. Peggle comes with many maps to choose from but the following is my favorite:

After your balls are empty you're rewarded with perhaps the gayest victory party ever.

Step 3: Celebrate!

Rainbows and stars and unicorns...oh mai. It's like Tinkerbell fucking exploded. So pretty. Anyway, y'all should definitely give this one a shot and tell me what ya think.

Hey, that was my egg!

So there I was...doing some 2v2 like I had planned and all of the sudden I look up and read guild chat. I sort of did a double take.


Umm...huh? Wtf is going on here? Oh, it's Noblegarden. I had totally forgot...which is surprising cause I knew there was going to be plenty of material for the blog coming out of this holiday. Little did I know that I had horribly underestimated the homosexual nature of this event. On my way over to Brill I ran into a guildie.


Holy shit! That's gayer than me at a Macy*s 1 day sale. Just as I was beginning to think how I was going to put my thoughts into words to place here, Lokrash pretty much summed it up.

Wow...just...yeah. Then and there I decided I simply had to get one of these outfits so I continued on to Brill to get some eggs. As I strolled on into the town I began to realize that everyone had LOST THEIR GODDAMN MINDS! There are rabbits everywhere...some are players, some are critters, and some are fucking each other...right there in front of me. But there aren't any eggs. Why? They're being spawn camped, that's why. And what happens when someone "ninjas" an egg some one's camping? General chat gets hi-fucking-larious. I could go on and on, but I gotta get back in game...this shit is gonna give me blog material for months.

Thought I saw a puddy tat

While I still haven't found a lesbian to contribute here at Fagcraft, I did find one in Ulduar!

Meet Auriaya, the resident crazy cat lady of Ulduar. What a big dyke. Four cats, a big fucking hammer (lesbians love tools) and horribly outdated clothes. I was a little disappointed she isn't wearing birkenstocks, but she more than makes up for it with her abilities:

• Sonic Screech (Angry Lesbian Music)
• Sentinel Blast (Lesbian Hammer to the Face)
• Terrifying Screech (ZOMG Big Fucking Lesbian...RUN!!!!)
• Summon Swarming Guardian (Great....more cats)

Without a lesbian side kick I was forced to make the introductions myself...so I rolled out the homosexual welcome wagon. I thought this would be a great time to bring my new favorite toy.

If I had thought more about it I prolly wouldn't have brought a ridiculously long phallic object to a meet and greet with a lesbo. Still I don't think it warranted the response I got. That fucking bitch sent her cats after me. I was not amused.

Please. For the love of gays...help me find a lesbian for fagcraft! I can't keep doing the lesbo half of the homo WoW thing. It hurts too much.

Luke, I am your guildie.

I thought that my experiences in regards to being openly gay in a raiding guild were pretty much par for the course. There's never been a time when I have felt discriminated against or "hated on" more or less than any other person in the guild regardless of sexual orientation. I guess I figured that the "upper end progression raiding guilds" were pretty similar to mine and all you fags were having a fabulous time fucking with your guildies and providing the lulz in a hater free zone. The limited contact (too limited imo) I've had with other gay WoW players has been consistent with this theory up until now. It has come to my attention that this assumption is incorrect. The WoW forums over at Gay Gamer are rife with descriptions of homophobic guild situations that people feel they are stuck in if they want to see end game content.

It seems like there are two options when faced with this situation if you want to continue to raid. 1) Find a new guild and stay in the closet, or 2) Join up with an LGBT guild that raids. Option 1 is kinda lame and option 2 does not sound like fun to me. (although I bet vent and /gchat can get interesting from time to time)

The reason I bring all this up is because I was getting a little frustrated with my own guild. Nothing horrible, I was just getting annoyed that everything I say first gets taken as a gay joke whether I'm being serious or not.


Fair enough I guess...prolly shoulda chosen my words a little better. And it was the e-Hag that made the joke, a right she earned through her e-Hagness. And I've brought this type of response on myself. (I can and often do turn just about anything into a sex joke)

I just don't feel right QQing about this when there's people out there that would love to be in my e-shoes. (or maybe e-pants?) To show my support for these poor unfortunate souls I'm gonna tone it down a bit. Not too much. On a scale of 1 -> gay I'm gonna shoot for about a 7. If you're wondering, this is what a 10 looks like:

So out of respect for those that want to "let their freak flag fly" but feel like they can't I, Dornilust, will be less flamboyant. I wonder how long this will last...

Brokeback Tournament.

I really like daily quests. There's something about them that really satisfies my OCD tendencies. So the first thing I did after the 3.1 dust settled was check out the new Argent Tournament. After taking a quick look around I came to the following conclusion: Jousting hasn't been this gay since Heath Ledger made that crappy movie. The first quest I find is from some goblin looking for a hand job.

My he looks eager. To tell the truth I've never jerked off a goblin...but I'll try anything once. After finishing him off and collecting my gold (does this make me a hooker?) I moved along to see who else needed a "helping hand." Next up was some dude QQing about his lost sword. Fucker wants me to fly to East Jesus and kiss a bunch of frogs until one turns into a princess and gives me the item in question. Right. Sounds like fun. When I finally got there I had to kiss (no lie) about 50 frogs. After about 15 frogs I was regretting picking this one up. Not only is the flight way the fuck out of the way, but after all this kissing I'm just gonna be face to face with some chick. I kept going however in the hopes that instead of a princess the game will sense my needs and deliver a prince.

Oh well...maybe tomorrow. Back to the tournament grounds I go. Now this is where life got interesting. You see, they gave me a lance...and this fuckin thing is huge. I couldn't keep questing because I had too much fun taking screen caps.

Wow...I mean...just wow. A guy can really drill a guy with that thing. Hmm...lets go find some bottom boy.

He'll do. Now lets see if I can get the positioning just right.


My night sort of degenerated from there. I'll have to get back to y'all on the rest of the tournament "action" when this lance business is no longer amusing.