Thursday, April 30, 2009

I did! I did see a puddy tat!

Before y'all start judging me, understand a few things. First: I've never actually seen one of these things up close. I know I talk a big talk, but when it comes to the big "V" I'm horribly ignorant. Sure it's fun to joke about it looking like lunch meat but at the end of the day I really have no clue. Second: Bitch had it coming. Don't ever think you can send your cats after me without getting your ass killed and your junk inspected. Third: It's come to my attention that the vast majority of dudes like this kind of thing. I guess I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I mean...wars have been fought over women's (insert favorite vagina euphemism here). Things were not too clear from this angle so I had to move in for a better look:

Got to admit, I had this weird feeling that a train was gonna come barreling out towards me...or something to that effect. Really though I don't see what all the fuss is over. It looks like...well it kinda looks like I thought it did all along.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Homo say what?

Basically if English and a retarded monkey had a baby, you'd get the form of netspeak that is used in most online games. If you're new to these environments, you probably have no clue what is being discussed in any of the chat channels you have access to. There are game specific acronyms flying left and right and memes upon memes upon memes. After a few months however you develop a reasonable understanding of wtf is being said. The mistake most people make at this point is to disregard context and blindly translate everything said in game to be actually game related. You need to pay special attention to what the homos in your guild are saying. There's a language in a language in a language at work there. In an effort to open your eyes a little I will take some time out of my busy schedule to share some entries taken from my WoW Gay -> English dictionary.

Homo Says: "brb...i'm gonna hop on my twink"
Really Means: "I'm going to go fuck a 18-22 year old skinny boy"

Homo Says: "the arenas last night were awful...nothing but bears"
Really Means: "I didn't have a good time at the gay bar last night. There was nothing but old, fat, hairy guys."

Homo Says: "feel free to BoP me if it looks like I need it"
Really Means: "If I'm on my stomach with my pants around my ankles, go to town."

Homo Says: "fuck...I can't right now...it's on cool down"
Really Means: "I just came, give me a little bit."

Homo Says: "go ahead and pull, i'm rdy"
Really Means: "It ain't gonna get much harder than this, get on with that hand job!"

Homo Says: "I got new leather pants last night...they're awesome!"
Really Means: "I got new leather pants last night...they're awesome!" (irl)

Homo Says: "yeah i got LoS on ya...you're good"
Really Means: "Nice ass."

Homo Says: "wtb illusion dust"
Really Means: "I want to buy some coke."

Homo Says: "wtb infinite dust"
Really Means: "I want to buy a lot of coke."

Now, listen up str8 people. Seeing as y'all are now aware of this, I urge you to use caution when typing. You might get us all excited for no good reason. A couple months ago I saw someone in trade chat "Looking to Form a Group" using the following: LtFAG

Lieutenant Fag indeed.


Monday, April 27, 2009

Faggle

Apparently one of the WoW Bloggers 10 Commandments is "Thou must review addons and posteth your thoughts." It's the one right after "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's readers." I live in enough sin as it is, so I need to stick to the rules when I can. So without further ado I present the first Fagcraft addon review!

Today we're going to look at Peggle, the new mini game addon. This baby is handy for long winded boss explanations, premature raid deaths, extended flight paths, and really any vent conversation that's boring as fuck. Lets take a look at how it works.

Step 1: Select a character.

Your choices are either Bjorn the dick sucking Norwegian unicorn, or Splork the creepy ass green thing. Clearly we pick Bjorn... and not just because unicorns are awesome. His special ability (super guide) is very helpful when trying to cram your junk in a tight place.

Step 2: Select a map.

The object of the game is basically to unload your balls at the pegs until they are all gone. When you're about to shoot it's imperative you know what you're aiming at. Right at the moment of release make sure your cannon is pointed at the intended target...then sit back and watch your balls spray all over. Peggle comes with many maps to choose from but the following is my favorite:

After your balls are empty you're rewarded with perhaps the gayest victory party ever.

Step 3: Celebrate!

Rainbows and stars and unicorns...oh mai. It's like Tinkerbell fucking exploded. So pretty. Anyway, y'all should definitely give this one a shot and tell me what ya think.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Hey, that was my egg!

So there I was...doing some 2v2 like I had planned and all of the sudden I look up and read guild chat. I sort of did a double take.


Umm...huh? Wtf is going on here? Oh, it's Noblegarden. I had totally forgot...which is surprising cause I knew there was going to be plenty of material for the blog coming out of this holiday. Little did I know that I had horribly underestimated the homosexual nature of this event. On my way over to Brill I ran into a guildie.


Holy shit! That's gayer than me at a Macy*s 1 day sale. Just as I was beginning to think how I was going to put my thoughts into words to place here, Lokrash pretty much summed it up.

Wow...just...yeah. Then and there I decided I simply had to get one of these outfits so I continued on to Brill to get some eggs. As I strolled on into the town I began to realize that everyone had LOST THEIR GODDAMN MINDS! There are rabbits everywhere...some are players, some are critters, and some are fucking each other...right there in front of me. But there aren't any eggs. Why? They're being spawn camped, that's why. And what happens when someone "ninjas" an egg some one's camping? General chat gets hi-fucking-larious. I could go on and on, but I gotta get back in game...this shit is gonna give me blog material for months.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Thought I saw a puddy tat

While I still haven't found a lesbian to contribute here at Fagcraft, I did find one in Ulduar!

Meet Auriaya, the resident crazy cat lady of Ulduar. What a big dyke. Four cats, a big fucking hammer (lesbians love tools) and horribly outdated clothes. I was a little disappointed she isn't wearing birkenstocks, but she more than makes up for it with her abilities:
  • Sonic Screech (Angry Lesbian Music)
  • Sentinel Blast (Lesbian Hammer to the Face)
  • Terrifying Screech (ZOMG Big Fucking Lesbian...RUN!!!!)
  • Summon Swarming Guardian (Great....more cats)
Without a lesbian side kick I was forced to make the introductions myself...so I rolled out the homosexual welcome wagon. I thought this would be a great time to bring my new favorite toy.

If I had thought more about it I prolly wouldn't have brought a ridiculously long phallic object to a meet and greet with a lesbo. Still I don't think it warranted the response I got. That fucking bitch sent her cats after me. I was not amused.

Please. For the love of gays...help me find a lesbian for fagcraft! I can't keep doing the lesbo half of the homo WoW thing. It hurts too much.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Luke, I am your guildie.

I thought that my experiences in regards to being openly gay in a raiding guild were pretty much par for the course. There's never been a time when I have felt discriminated against or "hated on" more or less than any other person in the guild regardless of sexual orientation. I guess I figured that the "upper end progression raiding guilds" were pretty similar to mine and all you fags were having a fabulous time fucking with your guildies and providing the lulz in a hater free zone. The limited contact (too limited imo) I've had with other gay WoW players has been consistent with this theory up until now. It has come to my attention that this assumption is incorrect. The WoW forums over at Gay Gamer are rife with descriptions of homophobic guild situations that people feel they are stuck in if they want to see end game content.

It seems like there are two options when faced with this situation if you want to continue to raid. 1) Find a new guild and stay in the closet, or 2) Join up with an LGBT guild that raids. Option 1 is kinda lame and option 2 does not sound like fun to me. (although I bet vent and /gchat can get interesting from time to time)

The reason I bring all this up is because I was getting a little frustrated with my own guild. Nothing horrible, I was just getting annoyed that everything I say first gets taken as a gay joke whether I'm being serious or not.


Fair enough I guess...prolly shoulda chosen my words a little better. And it was the e-Hag that made the joke, a right she earned through her e-Hagness. And I've brought this type of response on myself. (I can and often do turn just about anything into a sex joke)

I just don't feel right QQing about this when there's people out there that would love to be in my e-shoes. (or maybe e-pants?) To show my support for these poor unfortunate souls I'm gonna tone it down a bit. Not too much. On a scale of 1 -> gay I'm gonna shoot for about a 7. If you're wondering, this is what a 10 looks like:

So out of respect for those that want to "let their freak flag fly" but feel like they can't I, Dornilust, will be less flamboyant. I wonder how long this will last...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Brokeback Tournament.

I really like daily quests. There's something about them that really satisfies my OCD tendencies. So the first thing I did after the 3.1 dust settled was check out the new Argent Tournament. After taking a quick look around I came to the following conclusion: Jousting hasn't been this gay since Heath Ledger made that crappy movie. The first quest I find is from some goblin looking for a hand job.

My he looks eager. To tell the truth I've never jerked off a goblin...but I'll try anything once. After finishing him off and collecting my gold (does this make me a hooker?) I moved along to see who else needed a "helping hand." Next up was some dude QQing about his lost sword. Fucker wants me to fly to East Jesus and kiss a bunch of frogs until one turns into a princess and gives me the item in question. Right. Sounds like fun. When I finally got there I had to kiss (no lie) about 50 frogs. After about 15 frogs I was regretting picking this one up. Not only is the flight way the fuck out of the way, but after all this kissing I'm just gonna be face to face with some chick. I kept going however in the hopes that instead of a princess the game will sense my needs and deliver a prince.

Oh well...maybe tomorrow. Back to the tournament grounds I go. Now this is where life got interesting. You see, they gave me a lance...and this fuckin thing is huge. I couldn't keep questing because I had too much fun taking screen caps.

Wow...I mean...just wow. A guy can really drill a guy with that thing. Hmm...lets go find some bottom boy.

He'll do. Now lets see if I can get the positioning just right.


My night sort of degenerated from there. I'll have to get back to y'all on the rest of the tournament "action" when this lance business is no longer amusing.

And I just can't hide it.

I'm freakin excited. No idea why. Is it odd to be in a really great mood all day long for no good reason? Why am I taking the time to tell you all this? We may never no. Anyway...time for dinner then Idol...I'll prolly shit out a WoW related post after the show :)

Monday, April 20, 2009

Oh dear Hodir, where's your spear?

Shortly after hitting 80 I remember beginning the grind for exalted Son's of Hodir rep. It was long and painful, like most rep grinds are, but I didn't completely mind it because of the nature of the quests. During the course of these dailies you got to polish the helm, blow the horn and thrust the spear. Someone at Blizzard clearly was expressing their sense of humor (dick jokes) when he or she came up with these quest names. Enter patch 3.1 and the introduction of Ulduar. Smack dab in the middle of the instance is Hodir himself! I was super excited to get a look at this guy seeing as I've been playing with his junk for the last couple months. Imagine my dismay/shock/outrage when I finally got a look at him last night for the first time.


Where's the helm? No fuckin horn to blow. And there sure as shit isn't a spear. This guy's got a skull right where his junk should be and it looks exactly like a vagina. (Note the gaping hole and teeth.) Was I the only one expecting Hodir to be hung like a fucking horse? Shit, even if he was holding a spear I woulda been happy. I don't know...I guess I just feel a little mislead.




Sunday, April 19, 2009

Anatomical green pls.

I spend a good amount of time chilling in Dalaran waiting for something to happen. Most of this time is spent wearing as little as possible. Can you blame me? Look at that rockin bod. It's a crime to keep it covered up. All the gear trends these days leave way too much to the imagination. Would it kill Blizzard to design some fashion forward, custom couture for those that work hard to keep their bodies at the peak of perfection? Anyway, I digress...I was trolling through Dalaran looking for an afk guildie the other day when an aspiring e-Hag (careful Maya, Mira's gunning for your job!) sent me an amazing link to a product I just had to take the time to share with you today. My plan is to give this thing a try irl, then if satisfied with the results, begin a campaign to get it included in game. So without further ado I present the Playazon "Hands-Free" Merkin Flashlight.

For a paltry $45 U.S. you too can own this revolutionary advance in crotch illumination:




From their website: The perfect marriage of form and function - our Merkin Flashlight helps leave something to the imagination as well as providing hands free illumination. This three-bulb, ultra-bright L.E.D. light provides three levels of constant light output and two blinking "lure" modes. The pivoting lamp head allows you to shine light exactly where you want. Comes with two fun-fur hair pieces (anatomical pink and arctic white) and five strips of Opti-Tape 42*, an extended wear toupee tape that provides up to six weeks of continuous adhesion per application. L.E.D. light runs on three AAA alkaline batteries (included.)

Ok. A few things. I can't figure out the gender of the model in the picture. Is that a chick with large thighs and no hips? A dude with no body hair and a small package? Still not sure. (Please feel free to comment with your opinion and justification!) Second, why would you ever turn this baby off of "lure" mode? I wish every article of clothing had that! And what's with the tape providing "six weeks of continuous adhesion." Are you not suppose to take it off in that time? Is the light shower friendly?

On a further note, the warning about the tape is slightly ominous: WARNING: We strongly advise NOT to use this tape as an impromptu waxing substitute - IT CAN REMOVE MORE THAN JUST YOUR HAIR!

Sweet Jesus. That would be interesting. I'm willing to bet however that if you have $45 to spend on this fine piece of...ingenuity...you have the disposable income to get your own wax.

Other than these minor concerns, this is clearly an excellent product, so I'm gonna go ahead and place my order to get the irl test drive going. I'm going to need your help however in getting this implemented in game. Would it be a tailoring item? Engineering? What would the mats be? Something to think on for sure.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

LF1M Lesbian

It has come to my attention that "WoW... There are Homos Here!" is not living up to the full potential of it's name. Some readers have expressed interest in seeing more posts devoted to lesbians that play WoW. (Although I suspect these are just str8 guys trying to...idk what they're trying really...I never understood their fascination with the munchers.) After a little investigation I found out that lesbians are indeed part of the gay community. All this time I thought the "L" in "LGBT" stood for lascivious, and was simply an adjective for the "G." My bad. I'd be more than happy to include y'all here at W...TaHH (I need a better abbreviation I think) but I really don't think I'm the right fag for the job. Let me explain.

When I first moved to New Orleans from NY for school, one of my first encounters with the "community" was Southern Decadence. Basically it's the New Orleans version of a pride festival..but most simply call it Gay Mardi Gras. It was after a long night in the French Quarter for Decadence that a friend and I found ourselves at a 24 hour diner at about 3 a.m. The place was mobbed and management was putting groups of 2 together to fill up the 4 person tables. So my friend (think me but gayer) and I were sat with...wait for it...the 2 butchiest lesbians ON THE ENTIRE PLANET. I was scared. The only thing I knew about lesbians was the basic stereotypes and bits and pieces of information picked up from Jack McFarland.

video

It was just about the most awkward meal ever. One of the lesbians made fun of me for not finishing my food and it took all of my reserve to keep the snarky reply from exiting my lips. If I hadn't I prolly would have exited the restaurant through the window.

So I need help. I need an honest to goodness lesbian to join the team here and blog about lesbians that play WoW. If you (or someone you know) have a closet full of flannel, a house full of cats and more than 1 pair of birkenstocks and plays WoW and can "bring the funny" here at W... TaHH, contact me at Dornilust@gmail.com with a sample post about our favorite lesbo commune in Azeroth, the Brunnhildar.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Silence is (for now) golden.




Today was the National Day of Silence. Now I'm not usually one to get all fuckin preachy and shit over stuff like this, but truth be told this particular issue hits kind of close to home...as I'm sure it does with any of you queens that went to high school. So keep up the good fight young gay dudes! (and call me when you turn 18)

And keeping with the PSA theme...

I explained earlier that part of your job as the guild homo was to make for the awkward lulz on vent during raids. Although in general this policy is still in effect, we might want to tone it down for the next little bit while learning new content. With Naxx being easy mode almost right from the beginning it was no problem to shit out on vent anything even remotely gay the second you thought of it without regard for what exactly was going on in game. Now that stuff is...ya know...kinda hard, it's prolly best to keep the majority of the lulz off vent and in /raid chat lest you become the victim of a hate crime. Nothing is more annoying than hearing some fairy talk about "bum bots" (what I renamed Deconstructor's adds...I'm so clever) in the middle of learning attempts.

Christ, serious post is serious...back to your regularly scheduled faggotry tomorrow.

8================D

First off, a big thank you to Sargeras for baring his soul here for us yesterday. It takes a brave man to admit his unsavory desires. I was however a little disappointed he didn't take his confession to the next logical step. I'm not typically one to out a guy, but he's gonna destroy us all anyway...so what is there to lose? Not only is Sarge a planetphile, but a gay one at that. How do I know this? Cause Azeroth is a dude...and I got the pictures to prove it. There are dicks all over this place. Everywhere. Just take a look around and you'll see you can't take 5 steps without a cock and balls in the face.

So...yeah. All over the place, and there's plenty more where that came from. So now you're thinking, "But Dorn! Just because the place has phallic shaped objects all over it doesn't make a guy that has sex with it (still trying to wrap my mind around this one) a homo. Well lets take this out of planet sized proportions so that our mere mortal minds can comprehend. Would a dude be gay if he were to have relations with:

I rest my case.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Guest Post: The Confession of Sargeras

Hey everyone, Sargeras here. Lord of the Burning Legion, Destroyer of Worlds, Chairman of the Commission on Assorted Badness and Peccadilloes. You know the drill.

Anyway, there's something I've been meaning to get off my chest for a while now, and when Dorn asked me to do a guest post on his blog, I knew it was the perfect opportunity.

You see, when Eonar and I broke up, it wasn't just because of the whole Goth-and-evil thing. It was because...

*deep breath* Come on, Sargeras. You can do this.

It was because I had...other needs. Needs she couldn't satisfy.

Don't get me wrong, Eonar was easy to talk to, scorching hot, and tons of fun in the sack. She had her issues, of course, but then I had mine too. It wasn't that. It was something...else.

My attractions lay elsewhere. Toward something I knew no woman could satisfy.

That's right - I wanted Azeroth.

The first time I saw it, it was young, naive; in those days it didn't bother with the cover of an atmosphere, and even later, the shifting clouds revealed more than they hid. Little imagination was required. The soft, supple curves of its hills...the secret moisture of its oceans...it was all a rush for me; I was overwhelmed by these new sensations. I scarcely knew what I was feeling.

After all, it was "only" a planet.

At first, when Eonar noticed how much time I would spend with Azeroth - the long hours kneeling on its plains, just "touching up" the Titans' work - she would make little jokes about it. "I think you love that planet more than you love me," she would say. Or she'd cock an eyebrow and tell me she was getting jealous. And she'd laugh.

I'd laugh too, but my laughter was forced. There was too much truth in those jokes.

One day, once my real affections had become all too obvious, she finally confronted me. She yelled; she pleaded; she wept. But what could I say?

I am what I am.

I was banished, but I watched my little world from afar - though it was not so little anymore. Its smooth hills had grown into mountains, and short waving grass grew on its steppes. It was no longer a planetoid but a mature planet. I knew I had to have it. I spoke to Azshara from afar, whispering sweet promises in her ear, but of course all the time I was only thinking of my Azeroth. She opened the portal, expecting me to come. And I came - but not for her.

In a furious ecstasy, I thrust my armies into Azeroth's portal, and I'm afraid I was not gentle - I ripped its supercontinent badly. They say it never heals. I withdrew for a time, but before long I needed more.

I traveled the galaxy, looking for other planets. I found thousands. Most were unguarded; some were nervous, some eager, some already ravaged by other forces. I had my fill. Enough to know that this was what I really longed for. Enough to know that I would never be happy with anything else.

Enough to know that there would never be any other like Azeroth.

And so I waited, gathering my strength...and then I entered it again.

Azeroth knew my needs by now, and returned the favor, playing the game and drawing it out. I sent my forces in again, again, faster and stronger each time. I tried new tactical positions. The world underwent two "expansions," each more enjoyable than the last. Even now it is yielding, but not too easily - not too soon. We're getting closer, though...closer...closer...and even now we approach the climax -

I've said too much.

Judge me if you like; I can't stop you. Just...don't tell my blog readers, please.

They...

They wouldn't understand.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Your guildie might be gay if...


I was chatting with fellow Warcraft Queen Derevka (who runs a very informative end-game priest blog) today about identifying closet cases in your guild. For every openly gay member of your guild there's at least another one in the closet. Normally your gaydar sorts out this kind of thing for you irl but I've found that in game this essential tool is buggier than Ignis on patch day. Identification of other homos in the guild normally falls under the jurisdiction of your e-Hag. Sometimes that bitch gets lazy...or is out looking for a poncho...so you have to do some of the grunt work for yourself. In an effort to help you find those that are orientation acceptance challenged (what's the PC term for closet fag anyway?) I've compiled the following list of "zomg gay" things to keep a look out for.
  • When talking on vent you hear Britney, Lady GaGa, JT, or anyone that has ever been on American Idol (or American Idol itself) playing in the background.
  • Laughs at your Golden Girls jokes or references.
  • Is a healer.
  • Is a Blood Elf. (Super gay if a Blood Elf healer)
  • Has spent more than 200g at the Barbershop.
  • Refers to gems as "gemmies"
  • Reads my blog.
  • Ever whispers you the following:
This list is not meant to be all inclusive. In fact, there are prolly a billion things that should raise rainbow flags. Hit me up with some of the ones that you have observed and I'll add them to this list :)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Totally not my fault.

I had a really good post lined up for this afternoon. It fulfilled the holy trinity of funny, gay, and WoW related. Unfortunately it required some specific screen caps. The plan was to come home from work and take the screenies then create the post...then watch American Idol. Enter Blizzard. After four "check back in an hour" updates I've run out of patience. Not to mention squandered all the time alloted for blogging. So no blog funny for you queens tonight. American Idol > y'all...and the reason is below:
I'd have his gaybies.

Wait another hour, asshole.

No blog post yet. Check back in an hour for an update on when you can possibly maybe see the new content here.

In the meantime you should practice your aim on the Fagcraft target dummy:

Monday, April 13, 2009

All flasked up and nowhere to go.

After we had some Immortal fail in Naxx tonight, I got rotated out cause there ain't shit else I need. So I did what 90% of raiders do when it's raid time and you're not in with the gang, hung out in Dalaran. First I went to a real laid back gay bar. It's somewhere where everybody knows your name (I get 10 points for not making the obvious "and they're always glad you came" joke...err...fuck) The Legerdemain Lounge.

When chilling here I usually put on the "My Crotch has a 5-man Quest" tabard and see who stops over for some fun. Alas no takers tonight. Not to worry though, this is hardly the only haunt in town where there's fun to be had...but the others have a strict dress code. I started to head over to the bank to get my other clothes and hit pay dirt.


An afk guildie! They are perfect for a "pre-night on the town" blow job. Before you start freaking out...I know the toon is a girl. What you don't know is that the person behind the toon is a 17-year old boy. Legal in most states is good enough for me. Besides, head is head. Joking aside Kerp usually takes the brunt of my str8 bashing in game and was even my 2's partner for awhile. (take that as you will) If y'all are ever really bored, make a lvl 1 Horde alt on Scarlet Crusade and shoot him a whisper. Remember to cram in as much sexual innuendo as possible and tell him Dorn sent ya. After applying some "product" to Kerp's hair I collected my outfit and put it on.


Here I am sporting a very stylish Festive teal pant suit on the balcony of my favorite gay bar, The Purple Parlor. You can't tell from this picture but the teal really brings out my eyes. After building up my courage I decide it's time to head inside and see if there's any cute guys worth hitting on.


I'm not really into pointy hats or bald guys, but these outfits were just too good not to go over and say hello. Someday I should really strap a peacock to my back (no jokes please) so I can look as awesome as the guy in the middle. I think I'm gonna hang here for the rest of the night and see if I can get lucky. Y'all should definitely invest in a cute outfit to wear around town. You never know who you might meet! At the very least, get a poncho.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Around the world in 90 days.

Originally I had planned on posting the YMCA pic for the cheap lulz, wishing a Happy Easter, and calling it a day on the blog front. But then I got to thinking, "That's not really fair for the non Christians." They came here to get my witty pearls of awesomeness and I have the fucking nerve to tell them that my Lord and Savior rose from the dead and there will be no real post. Fuck that. (Plus I can't offend my Jewish gay boys, my favorite subsection of the gay community...ask me if you really want to know why) So...here we go. For those whom Easter does not apply to, we now continue with our regularly scheduled faggotry.

Well I think that the last two posts cleared out the Jesus freaks and annoying women, so it's time we gays had a chat. We need a WoW representative, a lobbyist if you will, to advance our agenda and promote our cause. I have a pretty good handle on the Scarlet Crusade realm but that's just one server. We need someone with ears on the ground (and ass in the air) on all of the realms. So I went on a mission. I visited each of the Horde faction leaders in search of a champion for our way of e-life.



First st
op: Thunder Bluff to visit Cairn Bloodhoof. I don't think we're gonna find what we're looking for here. I'm not ruling out the possibility that he's gay, but he's clearly a goddamn hippie. No one is gonna take a guy with feathers in his hair seriously about the plight of a minority . Last time someone tried that all the Indians ended up on a fuckin reservation. Who walks around with their log in their hand anyway? (don't answer that) Yeah, I'm gonna make an executive decision and move along to our next candidate.

Second stop: Undercity for afternoon tea with Sylvannas. I like our possibilities here. Classy yet menacing. Skulls on her shoulders but not afraid to show her belly button. She's wearing her underwear outside her pants which is slightly disturbing...but I'm not gonna be lookin down there too much anyway. As convincing as the weapons, hardware, and hat are (lesbians always wear hats) I don't see any cats. But the biggest strike is her choice of foot ware. No Birkenstocks. That fact makes our choice for us. She's str8. Clearly into some very kinky fucked up shit, but definitely str8. Grats breeders...she's all yours. (but the tea was tasty)

Third Stop: Orgrimmar to see the Warchief himself. I'm pretty sure this is gonna be a waste of time though. We all remember his little love scene in CoT: Durnholde with that little chickie. This day and age however it can't necessarily exclude him from batting for the pink team. I can't tell you how many times I've been hit on at the gay bar by guys with a wedding band tan on their ring finger. Fuck it's creepy. So we'll give Thrall the good once over and let our gaydar do it's thing.


Hmm. The flames made a few blips on the gaydar...but that's about it. I'm not even gonna bring up the subject with him. This is a hate crime waiting to happen. Time to gtfo....but as I turned around I saw this guy:


"Excuse me sir, are you a faction leader?" I asked. "Yea mon!" I got in reply. A twofer! That's pretty cool cause by this point my feet are killin me. I don't even know this guy's name but it hardly matters. This dude is stoned out of his fucking gourd. I can't understand half the shit he's saying to me. He'd never make a good impression to those that matter. Plus after thinking about it a little more, there's no way he's gay...and even if he is, he's the type that won't get you off after you take care of him. How is he gonna blow a dude with those tusks? How can you expect to get a good reach around from a dude with 3 fingers? Ain't gonna happen.

Well we only have one more shot at this...I'm starting to think this whole thing was a waste of time. None of these faction leaders are presentable enough to trumpet our cause let alone gay themselves as well. Anyway, off we go to our Fourth Stop: Silvermoon City.
Christ. I shoulda just started here and saved the wear and tear on my new shoes.