Friday, May 29, 2009

Worst facial ever.

Never, ever, take skin care tips from the Forsaken...

...or spend too much time in a Yogg-Saron cloud of doom.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I'm a dragon...get in the van.

I've always known that straight guys are weird. I mean...they like vagina for fuck's sake. But never in a million years have I met a gay guy that is as fucked up as one of my guildie's ex boyfriends. We call her the Dragon Lady. The following was posted on our guild forums and is re-posted here with her permission. It's longish...but totally worth it!!!

You've no doubt heard a joke or two at my expense about me being a dragon or breathing fire on someone. This all comes from a really out-there ex story that is probably going to be one of the more ridiculous things you're likely to read today.

3 years ago. I meet a guy. His name was Max. He seems fairly normal. Has an alright apartment downtown, takes me cool places, and we have a lot of laughs. A few months down the line, I move in. Still seems like your average every day guy. However this drastically changes one say when I come home from work. He's got a serious look on his face. Max says, "There's something you really should know." I'm thinking outstanding loans, maybe criminal record from teenage antics.
He continues, "I was a dragon in a previous life, thousands of years ago. You were my twin and we were the heirs to the Emerald Dragon kingdom. After a long war with the humans, one of our younger brothers betrayed us and our powers were locked away in a secret hidden fortress. But we never lost our immortality- we've been reincarnating for all this time- but we've never been able to find you. It's you we've all been waiting for- you are the only one with the ability to find the fortress, and let us return to our true dragon forms!"

I stand there. It's dawning on me that he is serious. I have no idea what to say to the guy who, 5 minutes ago, seemed like one of the more sane and rational people I had met. But he isn't done.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I read minds, and I see the future. I could tell you wouldn't be ready for this until now. It's the only remnants of my power. I can see that soon you will reclaim some of your own power, and you will pyrokinetic!" (so apparantly I'm a dragon princess with the power of Pyro from X-men...)

"For thousands of years, I've been looking for you. I spent many lives as wandering samurai, looking for clues as to where you'd been reborn! I never did find anything about you- but I found a clue that the lost fortress is somewhere in Europe or Asia. I'd never be able to find it on my own- but you are the key! You have the map, buried deep in your reincarnate memory! We need to start saving money to cross the ocean, and reclaim our destiny!"
I was now trying to figure out who I might be able to stay with or if I could afford to kick him out, and if there was an "insane partner get-me-outta-here" clause in shared 2-year contract bills.

I would have to keep him there until the end of the month, when I could kick him out in favour of a friend who wanted away from lazy roommates. (I sympathized. After the initial good times, this ex was routinely short on rent and only helped with chores after a lot of yelling.)
A couple weeks later, the ex surprised me dropped by my college to see me. (For a mind reader, he was surprisingly slow to pick up on my plans to get rid of him) I was hanging out with a guy friend I had made in college, who was always a good laugh, and his being really cute didn't hurt. Max, my soon-to-be ex shook the guy's hand, and then brought me home. On the way he told me he'd had a premonition that this guy was going to become one of his closest friends. This guy was Ryan, who had already taken me to a couple movies, and hit on me on a regular basis. (Ryan is Windrage/Blood/Strigany, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years)

So, finally, the end of the month comes, so my friend (who is 6 feet tall, and can be very intimidating despite being a flaming homo) is there with me when I ask Max "So you're packed, right?"
He looks as confused as I expected.
I ask, "You see the future as clearly as ever, right?"
He says, "Of course."
I tell him "Great, then you must have known I'm kicking you out tonight. Get your bags."

I told this story on vent months ago, and thus the dragon jokes began.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Faggoty traits per second.

Time to reach into Dorn's Big Gay Mailbox and see what we come up with.

Hey Loverboy,
I want you to take off all of your clothes. Next, cover every square inch of your body with baby oil. Now slowly caress your chest and work your way down to your huge, hard, throbbing co...

Err...whoops...that one wasn't meant for y'all.

*reaches back into Big Gay Mailbox*

Dear Dorn,
I've been in my guild for almost a year now and still haven't found the courage to come out of the closet. I really want to be as open and flamboyant in guild chat as you are but am afraid of people not reacting well to it. It's not that I'm afraid of getting a beat down or anything (although that would be bad, lol) I just really like my guild and I don't want them to think different of me. I'm not really sure what to do. I guess my question is do you have any tips or suggestions to ease into the coming out process?

Keep up the good work!
Closet Fag

Well CF, in short my suggestion is to treat it like sex...don't ease in. Just ram your "homosexuality" down their throats and pray for the best. You will get an excellent reading on who your friends really are and who the haters are that you need to watch out for. As for the "beat down" component, I'm going to let you in on a little secret of mine. You need to get yourself HomOmen, the threat of hate crime meter:

This fabulous addon turns on automatically and begins tracking threat when you enter the aggro radius of any hater. It monitors all chat screens you have access to and you can download separate modules to enable tracking of vent and guild forums as well. As you can see I constantly run just under the threshold (hate crime pull is at 110% if hater lives in your state) and this baby has saved me from many a "I fell down the stairs" trip to the emergency room.

Hang in there CF and stay strong...I believe in you. If things don't work out in your guild stop on over and apply to ours! We're always looking for more fun people :)

That's all for today...keep it frosty kids...and remember to send your questions to me at

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

DKs R OP + G.A.Y.

I have things pretty good in my guild. I can honestly say that I have never felt that the words "gay" or "homo" or "fag" have been used to define me in a negative connotation. Sure they might break out one of these choice phrases from time to time...but only after I insulted their race, religion, ethos, love of vagina, or pubic hair color first. And even then it's all been in good fun. The street goes both ways so I try not to use these words to describe something I dislike or find awful, which is why I don't like to be on vent when I PvP. There is nothing gayer in the entire goddamn universe than Death Knights and I get pretty vocal about it. Some of their moves are just ridiculous...ridiculously GAY!

Fag Grip: Harness the homosexual energy that surrounds and binds all matter, drawing the target toward the fag knight and forcing the enemy to STAND THERE AND GET WTFBBQ COCK IN THE FACE.

Chains of Gay: Shackles the target with gay chains, reducing their movement rate to zero. The target regains 10% of their anal virginity each second for 10 sec.

I could continue to rail against these blatant homosexuals and smack talk moves such as Fagulate, Death and Queercay, Icebound Fagitute, or Howling Homo...but I don't want to give them more of the time out of my day than I already have.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Queer eye for the WoW guy -- Interior Design

Is your apartment looking a little bleh? Need to gay it up a notch? Here are some helpful tips taken from our favorite gay city in the clouds.

Get a fuck couch. Not only is it stylish and blatantly homosexual, the chaise lounge is a wondrous piece of furniture that gives back support for almost every gay sex position.

Before using the chaise lounge for "gross out the downstairs neighbors" time, slip into something a little more comfortable behind your....BRAND NEW DRESSING SCREEN!! *audience gasps and claps* For maximum effect make sure to drape whatever you just took off over the top of the screen. (Gaydar note: one of these in a "straight" guy's place is a dead giveaway)

If fucking in the living room isn't your cup of tea, your obvious choice is in the car bedroom. Tasteful additions to this room are cute little throw pillows and phallic bed posts.

Invest in a display case for your dildo collection. In addition to letting your partner make the perfect informed decision, it shows the world (or at least those that come to your bedroom...ok so I was right the first time) that you're not ashamed of what you're willing to put up their ass.

If you have a four poster bed, get yourself a sparkly fabric as decoration. It doesn't get much fucking gayer than sparkles.

If all else fails...a floating gay pride symbol right in your foyer should get the job done.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Homo to the rescue.

How could I say no?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Some people are weird.

Hey folks, this post is not directed at an overwhelming majority of you. Of the thousands of visitors I've gotten on this blog this post is meant for 14 of you (although I suppose it's possible the culprit is just 1 person) What's got my panties in a bunch? Take a look at the search phrases people are using to get to my site.

What the fuck. Srsly? What the fuck. I just...yeah idk.

vagina flag: Vagina's don't have least I don't think they do. Even if they did, you sure as shit wouldn't find it on my site.

things that look like vagina: Fair enough I guess. Kinda walked into that one.

hidden objects in vaginas: Sounds like a fun game...NOT!

vagina close up spread: For a gay man's blog I'm getting way too much vag traffic.

assorted horse perversions: I didn't even mention the word horse. I'm sorry those searches brought you here. Y'all definitely didn't find what you were looking for.

wow blogs lesbian: They don't exist...I've tried looking already.

get a good reach around: Let me know when ya find one please.

vagina during labour real photo: No thank you.

guy sticks head in vagina: An interesting idea. This may grant a better understanding of the beast.

warcraft payers going to hell: found me :) Welcome!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

5 thoughts for the price of 1

Here's some random information that I wanted to get out there shotgun style:

1) I'd like to do a recurring "Ask a Homo!" style post where I answer questions from you the readers. For this to happen though I need...well...questions from you the readers. So hit me up! gets them to me...or gets them to my cell. Just please don't expect me to be funnier than Mario Cantone when he did a similar thing for Chappelle Show.

2) I started this blog with 2 goals in mind. The first was to help quit smoking. The idea was that instead of lighting up when I got the urge I would do something blog related. This proved much more helpful than my first plan (after about the 6th craving I thought my dick was gonna fall off) and has worked very well so far. I've been smoke free since April 1! My second goal for the blog was to meet more gay WoW players. So far so good! I've made the acquaintance of several so far and actually had some hot cyborz with one of them. (thanx was fun)

Although both those reasons for blogging are ongoing motivations, I'd like to add a 3rd purpose. I want to turn this blog into a community effort. Fagcraft deserves an arsenal of queens to blog on all aspects of the lives of homosexual gamers. Maybe you already blog but want to keep yours "spreadsheet theory crafting" based. Maybe you're in the closet and want to blog anonymously about the hate you run across. Whatever floats your boat...come let your freak flag fly. If you can make it funny, gay, and gaming related then I got an author spot for you no matter your gender or orientation. If you think you'd like to join the team shoot me some mail!

3) The Blizzard in game gaydar seems to be malfunctioning. It's labelling me as a drag queen.

4) I spent some time today mapping out tagging options so my posts would be easier to sort through. When I finished however, every post was labeled "gay." This apparently defeats the I'm gonna have to come up with a better plan.

5) While I was not thrilled Allison didn't make the top 3 last night, hottie Kris did!!!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Even though I'm not Mexican, I fully endorse any holiday that celebrates a victory over the French...actually I'm kinda surprised there aren't more of them. Unfortunately I don't live near a beach, so I'll have to celebrate at my favorite Mexican restaurant instead.

Daddy Dornbucks

I was hanging out in Orgrimmar the other day when I heard the unmistakable sound of show tunes coming from the Valley of Honor. Never one to miss a good musical, I wandered over to see what was up. How surprised do you think I was when I saw a little kid belting out "It's a Hard Knock Life" for all he was worth? I had to get this kid out of here and take him on an educational tour of the real world to prepare him for what will surely amount to a fabulous career. In short, I had to gay it forward.

I think the orphanage matron got the wrong idea, but 50 gold shut her up and she looked the other way. Little Orphan Faggie and I were off. I figured the best thing for this kid would be for him to just tag around with me on my daily routine. First we went to blow Hodir's horn.

Not bad for a first timer. My only other criticism would be that he used his hand too much while blowing...but these are things you learn over time. Next we went to catch up on the guild gossip with the girls.

Here we learned a valuable lesson: How your gear looks is much more important than what it does for your stats. If he learns nothing else from me, I hope he remembers this.

One of my guildies sent me a hot tip (no pun intended) on another "dick hidden in the landscape of Azeroth" so we went to go check it out.

Yup. He was right. That's not even remotely hidden. It's just...a giant dick.

This is usually the point in the day when I get shit faced and ride around on my motorcycle until I crash into something. While this isn't something I'm proud of nor is it a good example in front of the youngin, I don't want to sugar coat things for him.

Not to fear however...there's still a good lesson to be learned from this experience.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Stop objectifying me...but not really.

Yesterday, WoWInsider's "The Daily Quest" (when they gonna link me? QQ) had a link up to an article in response to the "These bunny ears are objectifying me blah blah fucking blah," argument currently circulating the WoW blogosphere. I got a few emails from y'all wanting me to hop on over to the site and wander into the fray of comments. I guess the thought is that I would have something to say on this issue. Hate to disappoint...ya thought wrong. I couldn't fucking care less. Srsly, I have enough to worry about in the "is this fair/right/ok" area of real life to really give a shit about whether people are getting offended in virtual worlds. If you don't like it, log the fuck off.

The real reason I didn't get into it however is that really I'm just here for the dick jokes...and an occasional vagina reference. Some people take this internet thing way too seriously...shoot me if I become one of them.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Where my Queens at?

Check it out...the guild is recruiting! This is where I should be telling you about our progression (8/14 heroic Ulduar) or our raid times (6-10 CST: M, W, Th) or the specifics (Horde - Scarlet Crusade - US) but I'm not going to bore y'all with any of that. What I'm really looking for is more homos to raid with. It does get a little tiresome bringing enough fabulous to each and every raid to fill the quota.

So if you don't suck (in game that is) and you're one of the classes/specs below and you want "out" of your homophobic guild of crap...give us a look!

Here's what we're looking for:

1 Druid (Boomkin)

1 Druid (Feral Tank)

1 Druid (Resto)

1 Paladin (Holy)

1 Priest (Shadow)

So if you're one of the above, or aren't but would consider yourself an exceptional applicant, pop over to our recruitment forums and drop an app!