Monday, May 25, 2009

I'm a dragon...get in the van.

I've always known that straight guys are weird. I mean...they like vagina for fuck's sake. But never in a million years have I met a gay guy that is as fucked up as one of my guildie's ex boyfriends. We call her the Dragon Lady. The following was posted on our guild forums and is re-posted here with her permission. It's longish...but totally worth it!!!

You've no doubt heard a joke or two at my expense about me being a dragon or breathing fire on someone. This all comes from a really out-there ex story that is probably going to be one of the more ridiculous things you're likely to read today.

3 years ago. I meet a guy. His name was Max. He seems fairly normal. Has an alright apartment downtown, takes me cool places, and we have a lot of laughs. A few months down the line, I move in. Still seems like your average every day guy. However this drastically changes one say when I come home from work. He's got a serious look on his face. Max says, "There's something you really should know." I'm thinking outstanding loans, maybe criminal record from teenage antics.
He continues, "I was a dragon in a previous life, thousands of years ago. You were my twin and we were the heirs to the Emerald Dragon kingdom. After a long war with the humans, one of our younger brothers betrayed us and our powers were locked away in a secret hidden fortress. But we never lost our immortality- we've been reincarnating for all this time- but we've never been able to find you. It's you we've all been waiting for- you are the only one with the ability to find the fortress, and let us return to our true dragon forms!"

I stand there. It's dawning on me that he is serious. I have no idea what to say to the guy who, 5 minutes ago, seemed like one of the more sane and rational people I had met. But he isn't done.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I read minds, and I see the future. I could tell you wouldn't be ready for this until now. It's the only remnants of my power. I can see that soon you will reclaim some of your own power, and you will pyrokinetic!" (so apparantly I'm a dragon princess with the power of Pyro from X-men...)

"For thousands of years, I've been looking for you. I spent many lives as wandering samurai, looking for clues as to where you'd been reborn! I never did find anything about you- but I found a clue that the lost fortress is somewhere in Europe or Asia. I'd never be able to find it on my own- but you are the key! You have the map, buried deep in your reincarnate memory! We need to start saving money to cross the ocean, and reclaim our destiny!"
I was now trying to figure out who I might be able to stay with or if I could afford to kick him out, and if there was an "insane partner get-me-outta-here" clause in shared 2-year contract bills.

I would have to keep him there until the end of the month, when I could kick him out in favour of a friend who wanted away from lazy roommates. (I sympathized. After the initial good times, this ex was routinely short on rent and only helped with chores after a lot of yelling.)
A couple weeks later, the ex surprised me dropped by my college to see me. (For a mind reader, he was surprisingly slow to pick up on my plans to get rid of him) I was hanging out with a guy friend I had made in college, who was always a good laugh, and his being really cute didn't hurt. Max, my soon-to-be ex shook the guy's hand, and then brought me home. On the way he told me he'd had a premonition that this guy was going to become one of his closest friends. This guy was Ryan, who had already taken me to a couple movies, and hit on me on a regular basis. (Ryan is Windrage/Blood/Strigany, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years)

So, finally, the end of the month comes, so my friend (who is 6 feet tall, and can be very intimidating despite being a flaming homo) is there with me when I ask Max "So you're packed, right?"
He looks as confused as I expected.
I ask, "You see the future as clearly as ever, right?"
He says, "Of course."
I tell him "Great, then you must have known I'm kicking you out tonight. Get your bags."

I told this story on vent months ago, and thus the dragon jokes began.


  1. That would be tempting, if for nothing else, teh lulz. Its also semi-humerous due to my name being max xD

  2. Damn, and I thought my ex's were bad.

  3. Excellent story!
    Crazy people!
    This is why I'm still single... oh and b/c i play lots of wow.