Government 1, Dorn 0

I started a new job yesterday. I'm horribly under qualified and ridiculously over payed. You guessed it, I took a job with the state. New jobs are fun because I get to play another round of my two favorite games: "Find the homos" and "Find the WoW players"

The first one is pretty easy. Look for a dude working at a secretarial or assistant level. Failing that find anything with a penis that's working in HR.

Finding the WoW players is usually pretty easy too...one trip to IT tends to sort that out rather quick. I had to make that trip today to get some network crap figured out. As I was about to open the door I made a silent bet with myself that I would interrupt 2 rather scruffy looking nerd types talking about how Mimi was getting the nerf bat rammed up his ass sideways in the next patch. I couldn't have been more wrong.

There wasn't a guy in site. There was nothing but attractive clueless women. Not only did these girls not play Warcraft, but I'm fairly convinced they couldn't spell computer let alone provide me with proper passwords to access mine. Needless to say I didn't get the level of service I was expecting. Welcome to government work I guess.

Worst facial ever.

Never, ever, take skin care tips from the Forsaken...

...or spend too much time in a Yogg-Saron cloud of doom.

I'm a dragon...get in the van.

I've always known that straight guys are weird. I mean...they like vagina for fuck's sake. But never in a million years have I met a gay guy that is as fucked up as one of my guildie's ex boyfriends. We call her the Dragon Lady. The following was posted on our guild forums and is re-posted here with her permission. It's longish...but totally worth it!!!

You've no doubt heard a joke or two at my expense about me being a dragon or breathing fire on someone. This all comes from a really out-there ex story that is probably going to be one of the more ridiculous things you're likely to read today.


3 years ago. I meet a guy. His name was Max. He seems fairly normal. Has an alright apartment downtown, takes me cool places, and we have a lot of laughs. A few months down the line, I move in. Still seems like your average every day guy. However this drastically changes one say when I come home from work. He's got a serious look on his face. Max says, "There's something you really should know." I'm thinking outstanding loans, maybe criminal record from teenage antics.
He continues, "I was a dragon in a previous life, thousands of years ago. You were my twin and we were the heirs to the Emerald Dragon kingdom. After a long war with the humans, one of our younger brothers betrayed us and our powers were locked away in a secret hidden fortress. But we never lost our immortality- we've been reincarnating for all this time- but we've never been able to find you. It's you we've all been waiting for- you are the only one with the ability to find the fortress, and let us return to our true dragon forms!"


I stand there. It's dawning on me that he is serious. I have no idea what to say to the guy who, 5 minutes ago, seemed like one of the more sane and rational people I had met. But he isn't done.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I read minds, and I see the future. I could tell you wouldn't be ready for this until now. It's the only remnants of my power. I can see that soon you will reclaim some of your own power, and you will pyrokinetic!" (so apparantly I'm a dragon princess with the power of Pyro from X-men...)


"For thousands of years, I've been looking for you. I spent many lives as wandering samurai, looking for clues as to where you'd been reborn! I never did find anything about you- but I found a clue that the lost fortress is somewhere in Europe or Asia. I'd never be able to find it on my own- but you are the key! You have the map, buried deep in your reincarnate memory! We need to start saving money to cross the ocean, and reclaim our destiny!"
I was now trying to figure out who I might be able to stay with or if I could afford to kick him out, and if there was an "insane partner get-me-outta-here" clause in shared 2-year contract bills.


I would have to keep him there until the end of the month, when I could kick him out in favour of a friend who wanted away from lazy roommates. (I sympathized. After the initial good times, this ex was routinely short on rent and only helped with chores after a lot of yelling.)
A couple weeks later, the ex surprised me dropped by my college to see me. (For a mind reader, he was surprisingly slow to pick up on my plans to get rid of him) I was hanging out with a guy friend I had made in college, who was always a good laugh, and his being really cute didn't hurt. Max, my soon-to-be ex shook the guy's hand, and then brought me home. On the way he told me he'd had a premonition that this guy was going to become one of his closest friends. This guy was Ryan, who had already taken me to a couple movies, and hit on me on a regular basis. (Ryan is Windrage/Blood/Strigany, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years)


So, finally, the end of the month comes, so my friend (who is 6 feet tall, and can be very intimidating despite being a flaming homo) is there with me when I ask Max "So you're packed, right?"
He looks as confused as I expected.
I ask, "You see the future as clearly as ever, right?"
He says, "Of course."
I tell him "Great, then you must have known I'm kicking you out tonight. Get your bags."


I told this story on vent months ago, and thus the dragon jokes began.

Faggoty traits per second.

Time to reach into Dorn's Big Gay Mailbox and see what we come up with.

Hey Loverboy,
I want you to take off all of your clothes. Next, cover every square inch of your body with baby oil. Now slowly caress your chest and work your way down to your huge, hard, throbbing co...

Err...whoops...that one wasn't meant for y'all.

*reaches back into Big Gay Mailbox*

Dear Dorn,
I've been in my guild for almost a year now and still haven't found the courage to come out of the closet. I really want to be as open and flamboyant in guild chat as you are but am afraid of people not reacting well to it. It's not that I'm afraid of getting a beat down or anything (although that would be bad, lol) I just really like my guild and I don't want them to think different of me. I'm not really sure what to do. I guess my question is do you have any tips or suggestions to ease into the coming out process?

Keep up the good work!
Closet Fag

Well CF, in short my suggestion is to treat it like sex...don't ease in. Just ram your "homosexuality" down their throats and pray for the best. You will get an excellent reading on who your friends really are and who the haters are that you need to watch out for. As for the "beat down" component, I'm going to let you in on a little secret of mine. You need to get yourself HomOmen, the threat of hate crime meter:

This fabulous addon turns on automatically and begins tracking threat when you enter the aggro radius of any hater. It monitors all chat screens you have access to and you can download separate modules to enable tracking of vent and guild forums as well. As you can see I constantly run just under the threshold (hate crime pull is at 110% if hater lives in your state) and this baby has saved me from many a "I fell down the stairs" trip to the emergency room.

Hang in there CF and stay strong...I believe in you. If things don't work out in your guild stop on over and apply to ours! We're always looking for more fun people :)

That's all for today...keep it frosty kids...and remember to send your questions to me at Dornilust@gmail.com

DKs R OP + G.A.Y.

I have things pretty good in my guild. I can honestly say that I have never felt that the words "gay" or "homo" or "fag" have been used to define me in a negative connotation. Sure they might break out one of these choice phrases from time to time...but only after I insulted their race, religion, ethos, love of vagina, or pubic hair color first. And even then it's all been in good fun. The street goes both ways so I try not to use these words to describe something I dislike or find awful, which is why I don't like to be on vent when I PvP. There is nothing gayer in the entire goddamn universe than Death Knights and I get pretty vocal about it. Some of their moves are just ridiculous...ridiculously GAY!

Fag Grip: Harness the homosexual energy that surrounds and binds all matter, drawing the target toward the fag knight and forcing the enemy to STAND THERE AND GET WTFBBQ COCK IN THE FACE.


Chains of Gay: Shackles the target with gay chains, reducing their movement rate to zero. The target regains 10% of their anal virginity each second for 10 sec.


I could continue to rail against these blatant homosexuals and smack talk moves such as Fagulate, Death and Queercay, Icebound Fagitute, or Howling Homo...but I don't want to give them more of the time out of my day than I already have.

Queer eye for the WoW guy -- Interior Design

Is your apartment looking a little bleh? Need to gay it up a notch? Here are some helpful tips taken from our favorite gay city in the clouds.

Get a fuck couch. Not only is it stylish and blatantly homosexual, the chaise lounge is a wondrous piece of furniture that gives back support for almost every gay sex position.

Before using the chaise lounge for "gross out the downstairs neighbors" time, slip into something a little more comfortable behind your....BRAND NEW DRESSING SCREEN!! *audience gasps and claps* For maximum effect make sure to drape whatever you just took off over the top of the screen. (Gaydar note: one of these in a "straight" guy's place is a dead giveaway)

If fucking in the living room isn't your cup of tea, your obvious choice is in the car bedroom. Tasteful additions to this room are cute little throw pillows and phallic bed posts.

Invest in a display case for your dildo collection. In addition to letting your partner make the perfect informed decision, it shows the world (or at least those that come to your bedroom...ok so I was right the first time) that you're not ashamed of what you're willing to put up their ass.

If you have a four poster bed, get yourself a sparkly fabric as decoration. It doesn't get much fucking gayer than sparkles.

If all else fails...a floating gay pride symbol right in your foyer should get the job done.

Homo to the rescue.

How could I say no?