This thing still on?

Right...so this thing kind of went the way of the dodo bird. Sorry. A lot has happened in the 8 months since I posted. Here's a quick recap:

• I quit playing Warcraft.
• I started playing Warcraft again.
• I ate a delicious sandwich.
• I quit playing Warcraft.
• I had a C6-7 anterior cervical discectomy fusion with allograft and plating.
• I'm in a neck brace and no working or driving for the next month or so.

While I sit here in the gayest neck brace ever (broke out the Bedazzler on this bitch) I've decided to wipe the dust off and blog again. I know what you're thinking: "But Dorn, you don't play WoW anymore. What the fuck are you gonna talk about?" In a word? Faggotry. It's all around us. It permeates us (the bottoms anyway) and I've realized that this is the one forum where I can speak what's truly on my mind and not feel ashamed or embarrassed for lending voice to thought. And what was SOOOO gay that it pulled me out of retirement? Why, male figure skating of course!

If anyone was looking for Tinkerbelle Feb 16-18 you could have found her easily in Vancouver. She was a little busy shitting all over the competitor's costumes, but she was there. I love pink. I love sweater vests. I love the pattern on this particular pink sweater vest. But this is where I depart from the homo party line: I hate glitter....and I don't mean the Mariah Carey movie. Unfortunately it's "in" at the moment and I was forced to suffer (until now) in silence. Lately whenever someone tries to tell me that male figure skaters aren't giant mo's, I point to this picture of Michal Brezina of the Czech Republic in all his glittery, pinkish, sweater vesty glory. He even has his mouth open as if anticipating...something.

It doesn't end here. This is by no means a rogue example. Behold, Evan Lysacek, winner of the gold medal:
Snakes? Really? If I were a "straight" man engaged in a sport that required form fitting clothing, leaps, twirls, glitter, music, an artistic score, spirit fingers and even more glitter I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have 2 dildoesque snakes sewn around my body. Just sayin. And what exactly is that shoulder situation? Everyone knows the gays do fun shoulders!

I'm a lazy queen Dorn...educate me please!

Well it's that time again...there's a new major content patch on the PTRs. For those lazy bitches that don't like to read patch notes, I'll point out the homocentric changes for you:

Northrend Children's Week has arrived in Dalaran! Players can find out more by visiting the Eventide District.

• That's right! Time to stock up on candy and clean out the van...we get to corrupt the youngins again.

Chains of Ice: Now reduces movement by 95% instead of 100%.

• Only 5% less gay than the old version. Think Elton John instead of Richard Simmons.
  

Ominous Clouds in the Yogg-Saron encounter are now more vocal about touching players.


Look for another edition of Dorn's Big Gay Mailbox sometime mid week. There's still time to submit your questions! Ask anything and everything...send to Dornilust@gmail.com

Be there or be...straight.

I'm not usually a "pride parade" kind of homo...but this sounds like a lot of fun! I'm gonna roll an alt horde side on Proudmoore and join in the festivities. Who else is gonna join me?

From Bigheadben on the gaygamer.net forums:

If you make an alt on Proudmoore to participate on the morning of Saturday June 20th, look for KRIMON on hordeside for an invite to our guest guild (Tainter for Today) . Hope to see tons of guests and happy pride month to all!

Whatever you do, don't look him in the eyes!

Like a lot of raiding guilds recently, we've filled in our raid roster with 4 or 5 new recruits. New guildies are excellent cannon fodder to try out your new material on. Nothing is quite as satisfying as verbally shitting all over them the first time they make a "That was so gay!" slip in guild chat. It's become sort of a rite of passage in my guild...Dorn makes you as uncomfortable as possible for a little bit, then you move on with life.

Yes, it was quite the good time. I say was because the officers have taken it upon themselves to "warn" people about me during their interview. Like I'm the fucking creepy uncle that mommy won't leave you alone with after 3 wine spritzers at Christmas. Like I'm going to reach through the internets and play with their joystick against their will. Like they better keep thinking of vag while around me or my aura will turn them fag. Like you better not be in a vent channel alone with me cause chances are I'm playing with myself while you talk about the loot on your wish list.

Ok...so maybe that last one has some truth in it. Nevertheless, I kind of wish I didn't come attached with a warning. I guess it just means I'm going to have to work harder to attain shock value. Any suggestions?

Government 1, Dorn 0

I started a new job yesterday. I'm horribly under qualified and ridiculously over payed. You guessed it, I took a job with the state. New jobs are fun because I get to play another round of my two favorite games: "Find the homos" and "Find the WoW players"

The first one is pretty easy. Look for a dude working at a secretarial or assistant level. Failing that find anything with a penis that's working in HR.

Finding the WoW players is usually pretty easy too...one trip to IT tends to sort that out rather quick. I had to make that trip today to get some network crap figured out. As I was about to open the door I made a silent bet with myself that I would interrupt 2 rather scruffy looking nerd types talking about how Mimi was getting the nerf bat rammed up his ass sideways in the next patch. I couldn't have been more wrong.

There wasn't a guy in site. There was nothing but attractive clueless women. Not only did these girls not play Warcraft, but I'm fairly convinced they couldn't spell computer let alone provide me with proper passwords to access mine. Needless to say I didn't get the level of service I was expecting. Welcome to government work I guess.

Worst facial ever.

Never, ever, take skin care tips from the Forsaken...

...or spend too much time in a Yogg-Saron cloud of doom.

I'm a dragon...get in the van.

I've always known that straight guys are weird. I mean...they like vagina for fuck's sake. But never in a million years have I met a gay guy that is as fucked up as one of my guildie's ex boyfriends. We call her the Dragon Lady. The following was posted on our guild forums and is re-posted here with her permission. It's longish...but totally worth it!!!

You've no doubt heard a joke or two at my expense about me being a dragon or breathing fire on someone. This all comes from a really out-there ex story that is probably going to be one of the more ridiculous things you're likely to read today.


3 years ago. I meet a guy. His name was Max. He seems fairly normal. Has an alright apartment downtown, takes me cool places, and we have a lot of laughs. A few months down the line, I move in. Still seems like your average every day guy. However this drastically changes one say when I come home from work. He's got a serious look on his face. Max says, "There's something you really should know." I'm thinking outstanding loans, maybe criminal record from teenage antics.
He continues, "I was a dragon in a previous life, thousands of years ago. You were my twin and we were the heirs to the Emerald Dragon kingdom. After a long war with the humans, one of our younger brothers betrayed us and our powers were locked away in a secret hidden fortress. But we never lost our immortality- we've been reincarnating for all this time- but we've never been able to find you. It's you we've all been waiting for- you are the only one with the ability to find the fortress, and let us return to our true dragon forms!"


I stand there. It's dawning on me that he is serious. I have no idea what to say to the guy who, 5 minutes ago, seemed like one of the more sane and rational people I had met. But he isn't done.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I read minds, and I see the future. I could tell you wouldn't be ready for this until now. It's the only remnants of my power. I can see that soon you will reclaim some of your own power, and you will pyrokinetic!" (so apparantly I'm a dragon princess with the power of Pyro from X-men...)


"For thousands of years, I've been looking for you. I spent many lives as wandering samurai, looking for clues as to where you'd been reborn! I never did find anything about you- but I found a clue that the lost fortress is somewhere in Europe or Asia. I'd never be able to find it on my own- but you are the key! You have the map, buried deep in your reincarnate memory! We need to start saving money to cross the ocean, and reclaim our destiny!"
I was now trying to figure out who I might be able to stay with or if I could afford to kick him out, and if there was an "insane partner get-me-outta-here" clause in shared 2-year contract bills.


I would have to keep him there until the end of the month, when I could kick him out in favour of a friend who wanted away from lazy roommates. (I sympathized. After the initial good times, this ex was routinely short on rent and only helped with chores after a lot of yelling.)
A couple weeks later, the ex surprised me dropped by my college to see me. (For a mind reader, he was surprisingly slow to pick up on my plans to get rid of him) I was hanging out with a guy friend I had made in college, who was always a good laugh, and his being really cute didn't hurt. Max, my soon-to-be ex shook the guy's hand, and then brought me home. On the way he told me he'd had a premonition that this guy was going to become one of his closest friends. This guy was Ryan, who had already taken me to a couple movies, and hit on me on a regular basis. (Ryan is Windrage/Blood/Strigany, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years)


So, finally, the end of the month comes, so my friend (who is 6 feet tall, and can be very intimidating despite being a flaming homo) is there with me when I ask Max "So you're packed, right?"
He looks as confused as I expected.
I ask, "You see the future as clearly as ever, right?"
He says, "Of course."
I tell him "Great, then you must have known I'm kicking you out tonight. Get your bags."


I told this story on vent months ago, and thus the dragon jokes began.